It’s been a while since I’ve written here. And a year since I began this site. I had sorta thought I’d abandon it, actually. The experiment ended and, kerplop, done. But, I figure the experiment - trying LA - is a part of the fabric of my current life, which is forever being woven, so it’s still relevant.

After returning, I did some temp work. I got a serious case of hives. I was robbed (I had been handling that bit well until I realized last week that my stolen PC contained ALL my monologues! Irreplaceable. I’m heartbroken). I walked off one long-term assignment (the boss called me stupid - did I have a choice?). There was a lot of worry over money, love, my car (more money), and my career, etc. Eventually, I did get a permanent part-time office job, with another (better) offer pending (we are scheduled to touch base in September to see).

But strangely, with all the hurdles, I am more comfortable than I have been in a very, very long time. (I hope I’m not jinxing it.) I think about it almost every day - how I got here, a place where I’ve always dreamed of being: with a minimal commitment job, and the time and energy to focus on my career and my body (I’m back at yoga, and loving it), and with a car - something I have always dreamed of having. And I think it has a lot to do with just doing it. There’s the saying, “Leap and the net will appear.” I imagine my leap as more like a cartoon character tumbling from a tall building, with not one strong net appearing, but rather a series of semi-painful awnings slightly breaking my fall, until…I land on my feet? Or I continue the plunge more relaxed, knowing that there will always be something to soften any impending blow.

Or maybe LA just broke me, and I figure no matter what NYC has to dish out, at least I’m here. Home.

There is also a lot to the notion of just living your life. It will never be perfect. No sense in wringing your hands over every aspect. You don’t have control over a lot of it. You can only try and manage the things that are in your control. As one of my favorite songs puts it so well: “To do what I want and to do what I please is first on my to do list.” No more wishing and wanting. I just get in my fucking awesome car and GO and DO.

I’ve driven to the beach a couple times, gone kayaking, driven to my folks’, driven to the deli for iced coffee (I do love having a car), gone to lots of yoga classes, and spent a lot of time with friends.The Career Path I imagined for myself strangely never materialized, and yet, the life I’d dreamed of having… I’m living it.

And perhaps as a result of being in this happier place (or just a result of things not in my control), this summer has been booming commercially. So I have felt complacent (just a bit) in terms of pursuing acting work. It’s sort of coming to me, at the moment. Or it was: I booked 2 promos and an industrial in a matter of weeks. Great. I got called back for a play that would have been a great opportunity. I felt that it was mine… but I was wrong.

So, I’m back at the Worrying Place, just a little. My hair is changing, which means my headshots must change. Which costs money.But with the change in the season comes a new drive to buckle down and make the tough(er) decisions. I do still worry at times that I am not working hard enough at my career. That I am missing opportunities by being more relaxed. But what’s the price of being so demanding of myself? I still want to achieve a greater level of success than I have now, but I’m not dead yet. Tomorrow is another day.

This blog began as an honest and open forum for me to explicitly state how I am feeling and what I am doing with regard to my attempt to try living in Los Angeles. For weeks now, I have been reluctant to write. I didn’t want to share the black feelings and sadness and, frankly, self-hate. But those feelings are real, and they’re mine, so… I can’t pretend.

Last week I ended up on the floor of my apartment in the fetal position bawling uncontrollably. What did I do? What have I done? How is it possible that I took my savings - savings earned by the boredom, sweat and tears of working at a job I didn’t like, but that afforded me the opportunity to basically audition at my leisure - and not only threw it away, but dug a hole equally as deep? And now I’m back to being jobless; hunting for work that will allow me to audition in a market that is bad enough if I was just looking for any type of job.

What did I do? What was I thinking? Why why why???

I am writing this from a temp assignment. I’m 35 and a temp. Which isn’t a terrible thing, but it feels terrible when I went from being 34 with a regular job that paid me well and respected me as an artist, to having to scrounge for crappy day-long assignments at places that… make my heart mold over.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be writing this now. The sun-less chamber that is this investment banking company’s reception area isn’t exactly inspiring the best, most positive attitude.

So what’s the moral of the story kids? I don’t know. Given the opportunity again, would I still give it a whirl? I’d like to think that I still would have the courage to try. But I also think maybe the greater lesson is just patience and wisdom. And now I just feel stupid, and like I will forever be in the black, without the means or the opportunity to ever again pursue what I love.

And yes, I’ve been down this path before, and I made it. After about 8 years. But I don’t want to go backward. And I especially don’t want it to take 8 years to get me back on track.

I had it all and I was stupid. Or something like it. I wish… I wish I could click my heels together and go back in time. Isn’t that terrible? I was so happy to be in NYC that I didn’t care when my apartment was broken into, when I got hives for 3 weeks, and when my heart got a little bit trampled on. I just want to know that it will all be ok. That the damage isn’t permanent and can be easily reversed. But I worry. I am very, very scared.

As always, it’s good news & bad news (when will there just be good news?). Renter’s insurance is covering all of my loss, but Carmax in CT offered me $1,500 less for my Corolla than the one in CA. I’m so torn up (and kicking myself thoroughly) about the whole process of owning/selling the damn car, I tossed and turned all Sunday night and didn’t finally get to sleep until about 5:30 a.m. - about 2 hours before I had to get up. My stomach is still in knots over it.

On Friday I decided to see what “off the rack” computers might be available at Best Buy, instead of waiting to have one built and then delivered to me when I am not home. I decided to live a little and replace my stolen Dell with a Vaio. Considering that I haven’t been able to spend money on myself in about 4-5 months, the shopping was fun. I almost felt like the upside to the break-in was outweighing the bad. Until, as I sat downloading & uploading programs and music files, I noticed I now have 2GB more storage… but nothing to fill that space with. Storage is only helpful when you have something to put in it. But all my pictures and documents and videos are gone. Poof.

I also just now realized that my mini memory card was in my Dell. Crap. If I want reimbursement, I’ll have to amend the police report, and the… ummm… for lack of a better word, let’s just call them “people”… who work at my precinct are a deterrent. God forbid I request something from the woman who answers the phone there. She might die of having to move, and I wouldn’t want that on my conscience. (Would I???)

Well, I still have my old Inspiron with a Celeron processor, so I can transfer some leftover items pre-August 2002 (perhaps this is an easy way to mentally erase a lackluster couple years?). I’ll just have to let it reboot for about a month before I can attempt to do so.