August 2011
1 post
1 tag
Going On...
It’s been a while since I’ve written here. And a year since I began this site. I had sorta thought I’d abandon it, actually. The experiment ended and, kerplop, done. But, I figure the experiment - trying LA - is a part of the fabric of my current life, which is forever being woven, so it’s still relevant.
After returning, I did some temp work. I got a serious case of...
May 2011
1 post
1 tag
Speechless.
This blog began as an honest and open forum for me to explicitly state how I am feeling and what I am doing with regard to my attempt to try living in Los Angeles. For weeks now, I have been reluctant to write. I didn’t want to share the black feelings and sadness and, frankly, self-hate. But those feelings are real, and they’re mine, so… I can’t pretend.
Last week I ended...
March 2011
1 post
1 tag
Empty Memory(s)
As always, it’s good news & bad news (when will there just be good news?). Renter’s insurance is covering all of my loss, but Carmax in CT offered me $1,500 less for my Corolla than the one in CA. I’m so torn up (and kicking myself thoroughly) about the whole process of owning/selling the damn car, I tossed and turned all Sunday night and didn’t finally get to...
February 2011
2 posts
1 tag
A Fine How Do You Do
I’m finally at a job, so I feel a little better about my life… sort of. I have money coming in but I never told them I’m an actor. I sort of had an opportunity today, but I froze. Not sure how/when/if to ever bring it up… I feel like a 5 year old afraid to tell her mother that she broke a lamp. Ridiculous.
Anyway, my first day was Tuesday - two weeks after returning from...
1 tag
Home Again
I’m back in Brooklyn. On January 28, I picked my dad up at LAX, grabbed a final In-and-Out Burger, and headed out on our cross-country road trip. It took longer than we thought to get out of California, and shortly thereafter we stayed the night in Seligman, AZ. The next morning we drove to the Grand Canyon’s south rim, took pictures, and headed for Albuquerque, where we spent our...
January 2011
4 posts
1 tag
In A Nutshell
Thanks for asking, Samantha. I don’t feel particularly *gaggy* about it myself anymore, but it’s true it that my time in Los Angeles was isolating and difficult. I’m just so happy to be leaving tomorrow, because…
Of course, if you’re an actor (and I am), there is just more work to be had in LA. But, while there may be fewer opportunities back east,...
2 tags
Getting Some Color
January is almost over, which means I plan to return to NYC soon. I’ve sort of given up thinking about the details - what it all means, what am I doing, etc. I just want to BE, for now. (Preferably I’d like to just BE with more cash, but I’ve done what I can do - though for some reason I missed a temp agency call yesterday as I grocery shopped and thus missed a job. F*ck!)
On...
1 tag
The Dead Zone
Not much happening except the ticking of the clock - winding down my time here. Last weekend I visited a friend in Palm Desert, CA. I went the extra mile(s) and visited the Salton Sea, too. I’d seen it on the map and was amazed that, for it’s size, no one ever mentions it. It also is the starting point of the San Andreas Fault, and is a natural salt lake. All of these things struck a...
2 tags
[insert brilliant title here] or My Wonderful Life
Driving around this afternoon to escape a loudly chirping smoke detector, I realized 2 things: first, I came up with a great title for my next blog post here, and second I discovered that driving with a fever is dangerous. After a failed attempt to gas up (broken pump and all other pumps were full and I am impatient), another motorist caught my attention several miles later to tell me my tank door...
December 2010
4 posts
1 tag
If I Can Stay Sane Here, I Can Stay Sane Anywhere.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to go home for Christmas. In fact, last year I avoided home and the same-old same-old by going to Vegas. But this year… I actually wish I could drive to the airport NOW.
I’m still in the same mental place I have been for weeks: one day I’m ready to stick it out here for months, and the next I look at my suitcases longingly and...
2 tags
Two Roads Diverged...
I have a distinct memory as a child, and asking my mother where Sesame Street was. “New York City,” was her answer. And I was immediately elated since I knew that I lived in New York state! So, Mr. Hooper had to be close by! My joy must have been obvious because the look on my mother’s face told me not to get too excited; that it was complicated (I actually would not make my...
2 tags
Highs & Lows
I should be in bed - in part because I did not go running yesterday or today, so I should tomorrow morning, and because I have an appointment at a 5th temp agency at 10 a.m. But I just got in from a workshop and I feel oddly buoyant, considering it was 3.5 hours of mostly just listening to someone talk. All relevant and interesting stuff, but still… zzzz.
Maybe part of the reason I am on a...
1 tag
East V. West: Brain Fight!
I’ve often felt like the hemispheres of my brain are two boxers in opposing corners, and whenever any significant question comes up, they go at it, head to head, well matched, with equal power but no clear winner. So, I’m always looking for help - for other people’s opinions to help one side or the other win. And I know this drives the people whose opinions I trust most nuts. How...
November 2010
4 posts
1 tag
Two Months In!: The Sickening
Two f*cking months already? Holy moly. Time flies.
So, I am worried shitless. About money. About finding a subsequent subletter, should I stay. About making holiday travel plans that won’t tax me too much should I need to come back for said sublet sitch. Etc, etc.
When I’m stressed, I have gross dreams. Last night was a great example. I had a terrible, epic dream that a Mark...
2 tags
The Waiting Game
Since last I posted: I got a commercial agent and I had a birthday. Thankfully, the last “rock star” commercial agency I met with decided to sign me. So, I can avoid kicking myself for waiting. Except now… I wait for audition calls. Just… waiting.
It was a really strange feeling though, because I’d always imagined I’d cry when I officially signed with my first...
2 tags
One Week...
…until the birthday. And here’s what’s cooking. Or… slowly simmering. Or maybe just reaching room temperature, in a cold apartment in the middle of January.
I’ve been kicking myself because I feel I should have said yes to small agency A, that said yes to me straightaway. I could maybe have been auditioning this whole time while I wait to meet with agency D. But, by...
1 tag
Catching Up.
It’s been a while. Here’s the thing - I started this blog with the idea that it’d be like a diary… you know… something NO ONE would read. And I wrote it that way: easily & honestly. But now that so many great friends have said they read it… I feel… like… like people were rooting for me and have so much faith in me… I feel like my failures...
October 2010
13 posts
1 tag
4 Weeks In
Still waiting to hear from the 3rd agency. I wan them to want me… but then there’s the other bigger commercial agency meeting in November… Ohhh…
I went “hiking” in Griffith Park on Sunday. I walked up Canyon Drive into the park, then up the first trail I came across. It looked promising with a short tunnel that branched off into three smaller exits…...
1 tag
Nothing To Fear But... Rejection.
The past few days have been spent exactly the same: rain, no jogging, worry and anxiety. And some random applying for part-time office jobs through *gasp* Craigslist. Oh, but I did finally update my theatrical reel:
My original idea was to “float” myself for a couple months, but, seriously, I’m just stewing. Like I mentioned before, I know it will suck to start work at the...
2 tags
3 Weeks In.
Well… so much and not much has happened. I set up my fourth and final (for now) appointment for November. Which, in my opinion, is just too long to wait. I want to get going NOW so when the apartment swap is up, I have a clearer idea as to whether or not I want to/can stay. A colleague recommended I call the agency back and say I have people interested, and if this doesn’t put a fire...
1 tag
Every Rose Has It's Thorn(s)
I said I was going to get something new done, and I did… for a price. Of course. My LA friend recommended a workshop place here, so yesterday I called and made an appointment for today at at 11:30. I arrived at 11:15, parked on the street, fed the meter from a new roll of quarters for 1 hour and 15 minutes (I was told the interview would last about an hour).
I met my rep, read 3 sides -...
1 tag
Two Weeks In.
I called the BIG agency yesterday, as asked, and I got a no, thanks. They want to focus on the women they do have. I’m bummed. And scared. I wanted LA to be a step UP, not a step to the side (way far west).
I do still have a yes from that one agency… but I worry that might slip away by the time I’ve met with the other small(er) agency next week. Still waiting to hear from the...
1 tag
Day 13: Is That Right?
These posts are becoming all about my math… I know I said Friday was 11, but I got here on a Tuesday and have been considering that Day 0, which made Wednesday day 1… so doesn’t that mean Tuesday would be Day 14, and therefore today day 12?
Confused.
I drove to San Diego Saturday to visit a friend. BEAUTIFUL. What the hell. How do places like that exist? We had dinner in the...
Day 11: From Blue To Sassy
It’s not even 9 yet on a Friday night, and I am home. But don’t worry too too much - I did go out. My sister tipped me off to Brian Gallivan’s show at Second City, and I managed to rally myself out of a homesick funk long enough to go. I even took myself to dinner beforehand but didn’t have much of an appetite for food (beer, on the other hand…).
I had gone to dinner...
2 tags
Day 10: Now What?
On Wednesday I got up at 6 a.m., showered, and actually ironed something to wear to my BIG agency meeting at 11. As I was getting dressed… the blouse broke. Yes, it broke. It’s a short-sleeved white blouse with little side ties (nothing fussy) and one of the ties broke off. Damn. Now what? I had to drop off my rental and pick up my car in Cerritos, CA (about 45 mins away, with traffic...
1 tag
My New York Apartment: A Love Story
I have been a little homesick lately. For New York in general (people! interaction with people! corner delis!), I also miss home. My home. The home I made for myself for over 9 years. I have often felt like my apartment was my friend in some way - or perhaps more like a partner. It helped me; gave me a solid place to take off from and to return to.
Before living on that seedy little block in...
1 tag
Day 8: Brrr.
3 days of rain? Really, Los Angeles? I’m cold. WHY AM I COLD IN LOS ANGELES? It’s not even winter yet. Get your act together.
So, I was supposed to have 2 meetings today but one rescheduled yesterday to 10/19 (good god), and the other - the BIG one - called this morning to reschedule til tomorrow at 11 a.m. Hmmm… I also have to pick up my car tomorrow at 9 a.m. because the...
1 tag
Day7(?): Losing It.
(I think I had been numbering my days wrong? 9/28=0, 9/29=1, 9/30=2… makes today 7? Anyway…)
Let’s take the temperature of how emotional I am right now: I am crying while watching E! True Hollywood Stories about Duane “Dog” Chapman, The Bountyhunter.
I’m homesick. I’m stressed from driving everywhere. I bought my first car ever last night (and therefore...
1 tag
Day 4: Somebody's Cranky
And that someone is me.
Just a bad day. Emotionally. Firstly, all my clothes and my rings are tight which means my body is larger than normal, and this is NOT what a girl wants to have happen just days before her 3 agency meetings. Not at all. I have to believe it’s just bloating from… who the hell knows. I feel like I’ve hardly eaten anything. And I have been very active -...
Day 3: It's Almost Like I live Here Or Something
Up this morning at 6:30, threw on my shoes and went for a walk down Franklin, then down to Hollywood… down a block or two of the walk of fame… then back up to Franklin and home. I wanted to get out before the blazing sun. I saw some people jogging so I know I won’t stick out like an idiot if I try it.
I don’t know why this is - but for some reason I still get hung up on...
September 2010
22 posts
1 tag
Days 1& 2: I Drive Me Crazy
Shit, I am so rusty driving. Yesterday I realized I needed a mouse for my computer to make doing my freelance work more ergonomically friendly, and it was just so damned hot, I wanted some fierce, powerful A/C… so I googled the nearest Target and used my handy-dandy new Sprint Navigation to get there. It should have taken 20 minutes (isn’t that the running LA joke?)… but took me...
1 tag
Day 0 (2 Days Late)
I have arrived.
So, its about 1,000,000 degrees here. Here’s how yesterday (actually Tuesday [wrote this post yesterday, but Tumblr was having issues and I couldn’t post it]) went down:
Awake at 6 Car to airport at 8 1 suitcase overweight so I paid for a second bag (d’oh!) Flight arrives 30 minutes early Head to rental company Discover my cell phone isn’t working...
1 tag
1 Day. 24 Hours-ish.
Code Kickass. Packing, etc. Got a lot done… even starting making new curtains.
Who’s easily distracted? This girl.
So, today I have to go back to the dentist to get one of my fillings ground down because it hurts when I eat. Yesterday was totally code red - I did, in fact, call my parents crying, and the majority of my dinner included wine & cigarettes on my friend...
2 Days: C-C-C-Courage!
I have a magnet on my fridge that reads:
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher
Cleaning out all the PAPER I somehow managed to collect over the years, I came across a page I’d saved from an old issue of Real Simple - great timing that I should find it...
1 tag
3 Days: The Hounds Of Packing Hell Are Nipping At...
Code Orange. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I have thrown SO MUCH paper away. Paper… and CDs… have I mentioned I have a problem with these things?
So yesterday was day:
I enrolled in level 401 at UCB LA!!! And I came across some long-lost items - like 4 Muppet finger puppet/pencil toppers that an ex got me from Starbucks because he knows I do love the Muppets. But I’m sort of...
5 Days
No more pencils, no more books! No more boss’ dirty looks! When the clock on the computer strikes 5, I will be hauling my ass and the remainder of my things OUTTA HERE.
See ya!
1 tag
6 Days: My Trash Runneth Over.
Code Orange. CLEANING OUT MY DESK AT WORK!!!
Woot.
My garbage is full… and so is the trash in the nearest 2 cubes…
I have a lot to take back with me, but I did get rid of a ton of stuff. I was merciless.
I am, however, having a hard time parting with my 4-leaf clover. Not because I am superstitious or believe in good luck charms, per se… but because it’s from the lake I...
7 Days: One. Week.
At 11 this morning I had 3 fillings replaced. It was so painless and fast. I’m 100% fine. Except… a have a sore throat. And sniffles. And I ache all over.
Oh no. Noooo. NOOOOOOOO!
Not now.
Things I did today:
1. Dentist
2. Walked from 84th & Park to 23rd & Park
3. Gave my old saddle shoes, a pair of vintage heels, and a magazine to a friend
4. Made my 3rd commercial...
8 Days: OMFG
Code WAYTOOMUCHCOFFEE. My poor boss just tried to give me advice for the crazy light fixture situation in my apartment and I was so intense I probably came close to melting his face off. According to him the situation is “easy” to fix - all I need is some wire mesh, screws, spackle, a professional who knows what he or she is doing…
Um, no.
Anyway, I’m also just tired and...
11 Days: He's Just Not That Into Me. (Fine. I'm...
Code… whatever. I’m over it at the moment. My parents roll into town tomorrow and I have to spend my Friday night doing laundry. AND I have to figure out what I’m going to do with them while they’re here.
So, my horoscope today on Shine through Yahoo! reads:
Scorpio (10/23-11/21)
When it comes right down to it, life is pretty much all about negotiations. You give a...
1 tag
12 Days: This Hyper/Para-bolic Life.
Code Blue.
Feeling Blue.
First thing that popped into my head when I woke up this morning was: Is it Saturday? (It is not.) Second thing that popped into my head was: ABRAMS. Called me.
So, I was still feeling giddy about that. I almost feel like I’ve reached the peak - which I know I have not. I mean, if that’s the highest bar I set for myself then that’s not so good. But...
2 tags
13 Days: It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The...
Code Yellow. Some orange in there. I am getting things done… but also sidetracked by doll-making - which is part of getting things done. Just not the packing and the cleaning that needs to be done. But it’s fun. I changed the bows on the finished doll’s hair and I like it so much better.
Sitting in the doctor’s office today, in my little pink paper gown, waiting about 30...
14 Days
Two weeks. A fortnight.
Am I scared? Yes.
What if no one wants to represent me? What if I waste 3 months of my life? What if I end up stuck in another day job in order to support myself and never really get to live my dream? What if I end up broke? And I have to give up my dream to support myself, or end up having to move home? What if it’s all just an utter disaster???
But…
15 Days: Just The Facts
Code gray = everything’s a mess. My bon voyage party was last night and it rained, of course. We haven’t had rain in days - weeks probably. But the one day I had set aside to have a party… it was cold and wet. What did I expect? But I remained optimistic and arrived at 5… and ended up waiting by myself for an hour and a half, drinking the entire pitcher of beer I had...
17 Days: My Story.
Walking home from dinner just now, I saw the 9/11 memorial lights for the first time this year. I had almost forgotten it was September 11th. Almost - if it wasn’t for the news media’s persistence in poking us with terrible images and stupid, inflammatory headlines and stories. First thing I saw this morning when I turned on my computer was a photo of a kneeling, exhausted firefighter...
2 tags
18 Days: Moving Right Along...
Code Green. I mailed a TON of stuff out yesterday. A ton. So, because I have returned books to friends and finished a mailing I started 3 weeks ago, that gives me the right to feel like everything is juuuust fine. Under control. Time to get my drink on tonight with a friend (of course I fully realize that my luck has been so terrible with socializing this summer, that any number of things could...
2 tags
Day 19: It's All About Sacrifice
I guess this would be code Orange? I didn’t ever think I’d have days where I got stuff done without any drama, so all my code levels include some sort of mental breakdown. But last night was fine. Great, even. If you can consider having one set of fun Friday night plans broken… then a new set crop up… then this morning getting a text that now those new plans have also been...
4 tags
Day 20: Procrastination Perfected
Code Orange. Or it was this weekend on the day I did stuff. And I did just finish typing my theatrical agency labels! So that’s one thing off my list from a week ago. Look at me! Zipping along.
But last night I realized all too clearly how well my idea to procrastinate by blogging is working. It’s brilliant. After work I ran to my doctor, and after my doctor I ran to the gym, and...
2 tags
Day 21: Doc, Doc, Goose.
Holy crackers. Is it 3 weeks away already? Shit.
Well, sorry I have been away. Not that anyone has been reading. But just in case - sorry. Saturday I went to a Labor Day weekend barbecue on Long Island. I brought my camera to take pictures for this blog, and just for general keepsake reasons… but I was too lazy to put down my daiquiri to get my bag. So, no photos. But I did have plenty of...
3 tags
Day 25: Rain, Rain... Come And Stay...
Code Orange (or just Yellow?). So what, it’s the beginning of Labor Day weekend (which I didn’t realize until just a few hours ago), and I have nowhere to go and no one to hang out with - I have cleaning! Fun! We’re supposed to get pounded by the remnants of a hurricane, anyway. Suckers. When the clouds roll in and it starts to rain, and you’re out with your friends or on...